So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 4

Okay as for what I learned thru a dark time of rejection and false accusations...

Number 1 was TO LISTEN. (To God, my husband, and those trusted friends God has placed in my life.)

2. Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I was being (somewhat) careful with the things I was saying, but the things I were thinking were not healthy! I was dwelling on hurts, closed doors, rejections, fears and being consumed by them. I did see that somehow my thoughts and emotions were not adding up with my reality, but until I reread that verse I could not figure out why. Instead of focusing on who God says He is and all the many blessings in my life I just kept focusing on the few things that were going wrong.

3. Perfection doesn't change anything.
After the church closed I decided deep down inside that I would just be perfect so that nobody would ever dislike me again. You can imagine how well that went! Not only am I completely perfect at being imperfect, but no matter what you do you cannot please everyone all the time. Some people will dislike for serving too much, some people will dislike you for not serving where they think you should serve. Some people will even dislike you because your hair is the wrong color or you are the wrong race. I cannot control if people "like" me. Also it becomes a dangerous trap because you cannot please people and please God at the same time. I have to focus on obedience and let the chips fall!

4. Finally the verse that broke me out of my pity party and gave me a ton of perspective...

"Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."
Matthew 11:6

My Pastor spoke an amazing message on this and Matthew 11:6 just JUMPED out at me. Jesus spoke these words in an answer to John the Baptist who was in prison and going to be beheaded. John the Baptist asked if Jesus truly was the Messiah. Maybe he had his doubts because his situation looked so bad.
I realized that I was allowing my circumstances to cause me to stumble. Somehow I had bought into the lie that every problem in my life could be fixed if I was "good enough" for God to bless me. When all these trials came on the heels of a season when I had worked really hard to bless God and others I was confused and really started to buy into the condemnation that I would never be "good" enough and that maybe God had forgotten me or just wasn't all that fond of me.
This verse is a good reminder that when we face trials to rejoice. We are in good company. God's chosen in the Bible went through testings of thier faith time and time again.

So I coming through on the other side. Trusting my Jesus, asking him to help me trust people after some of the things that have happened. I am excited to see all I have learned when I truly get to the other side of this season. :)

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 3

Okay...sorry my ADD has gotten the best of me! Here is Part 3 as promised.

So as I said it has been a rough Summer. I really felt misunderstood, I felt rejected. I also have been dealing with a diagnosis of dyslexia in my 7 year old son. It is actually a huge relief for both of us to know what is happening because now we can tailor all lessons to his needs. But, it did take a few weeks for me to just digest it all and prep myself to teach him.

A few things have been made very clear to me as I have gone through all of this.

1. I need to just listen.

God has been speaking very clearly to me as everything started to unwind. First he used my husband who continually kept saying that God was calling me to slow down. I just reasoned that God was calling him to slow down and he needed to butt out. (Oops, did I just say that???) In reality he had a perspective that I didn't. He had been praying for me and felt something and I didn't listen.

I also have refused to really listen to what God has been saying to me. When I didn't slow down the doors started closing and instead of trusting I took it personally. Yet God knows what is going to happen. He said "No" to a few things, like a missions trip I had been wanting to go on because He knew that I was going to be asked to go back to NY twice this Summer. The NY trips were such a bright spot during this time because GOd used me in my giftings, used me to encourage some great friends, and used my great friends to ENCOURAGE me. These trips were refreshing, convicting and just what I needed.

He also knew that I was going to find about the dyslexia and homeschool a teenager and that it would be a lot more draining and I wouldn't be able to keep the same pace...I took it as rejection, but really it was PROTECTION!

Number 2 and 3 tomorrow!

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 2

Okay, so where was I? Ah yes, going on and on about how much this Summer well...sucked. What? It did! ;) But, I have been a Christian long enough to know that it is often the really difficult seasons of life that end up being the most cherished. Take childbirth for example. ( I know that's kind of cliche...) Definitely not something I would willingly revisit for anything OTHER than an adorable baby.
I remember vividly one afternoon in June. It was a day that came with great expectation. I wanted that baby out. In fact I had wanted that baby out for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I had dragged my husband all over Brooklyn every night because I had heard somewhere that walking could induce pregnancy. So we walked, and we walked, and we walked. Usually about 80 blocks every night. Walking 80 blocks in Brooklyn can get very interesting. One night I even made my husband go bowling at 11PM because I had heard that bowling worked for some other woman. Yes, it's safe to say that I had completely and totally lost my mind. An OF COURSE, the baby came 2 weeks LATE.
Okay, talk about a rabbit trail...so the day finally came. The Dr. decided to induce me an after 10 hours the time was finally drawing near. Yet, it wasn't quite what I expected. I knew it was gonna hurt, but I was prepare for the downright horrible, awkward feeling of well, (in an attempt not to get too graphic) THAT! At one point I begged the Doctor to let me take a break and go in the bathroom.
My husband followed me in and I looked at him pitifully and said "Honey, I can't do this."
He looked back at me with a look I had never seen on his face before and replied, "I KNOW! You can't!" (Poor fellow was pretty traumatized at that point.)
Anyway, all that to say childbirth is really difficult. Even my husband thought so and he didn't have to feel what I felt. Yet, my greatest treasures all came from that experience. Other things in my life that have been really hard (moving to NY at 19 alone, church planting, homeschooling, being a woman) always end up being the things that shape me into the person I truly want to be. It is very uncomfortable, but I wouldn't trade the pain now that I know what it PRODUCED.

Okay so this post totally went another direction so stay tuned for Part 3, where I will hopefully be able to stay on point and wrap it up! :)

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 1

So I have had such an interesting Summer. It has been filled to the brim with pain, hurt, revelations, repentance, and blessings. It is one of those times where I am clearly walking in the valley and try as I might I CANNOT see what is on the other side of the mountains all around.
It all began in the Spring, usually a time of new beginnings and life, but for me God decided it was the perfect time to call me to death. He saw that I was carrying some very unhealthy things around deep inside. In fact one day I was praying and I saw a clear vision of a person who had been wounded. It was just a little scratch, or a cut that could be bound up with stitches...no, it was a deep, festering wound that ran up the entire side of someone's body.
I was shocked when I saw it because I thought "Lord, there is no way someone could live with a wound like that. Who is it? Who can I pray for?"
I heard that still, small voice whisper, "It's you."
God spent the Spring showing me some of the things I had been carrying around since childhood. One was a deep seated fear rejection, another was perfectionism. It was amazing the relief and power I felt at just being able to NAME some of the things that had plagued me. I started to get amazing revelations of God's love (something that had eluded me before because I always truly felt I had to EARN his love.) God also gave me the grace to truly forgive some of the people I felt hurt the most by and a huge burden was lifted.
Then Winter came...right in the middle of Summer. Now that I had identified my struggles it seemed that God was going to allow me to face them head on and learn to view them differently. First He dealt with "perceived rejection". You know when you feel like someone doesn't like you or want you. It was a little messy, but easier to deal with because I saw needed to adjust my thinking. My Pastor always says "believe people like you until they tell you otherwise." It was amazing how I bought into the enemies lies over very small things and could become convinced that someone didn't see my worth. I was thankful for the revelation..."Ahh, now I am ready to be used Lord. I have learned my lesson!!"
Not so fast, then I had to face REAL rejection. Ouch, this one was a lot harder! It came from all directions. Never in my life have I felt so hemmed in and misunderstood. I was surprised how I reacted. I shut down. I just wanted to hide away. Ms."Involved in everything" didn't even want to go to church. This exposed a lot of the perfectionism and how I need to be needed. Before I could even totally swallow that lesson, it went deeper.
It went past rejection, it went past the whispers of condemnation the enemy was haunting me with. Next came finding out I was slandered by someone I hold very dear. Then the phone call where I was falsely accused some horrible things. I can still hear the voice on the other end of the line calling me racist and actually using some of the things I have done solely to try to bless a family as evil.
All of sudden I understood the feeling of wanting to run, to never trust, to build up walls, of maybe even (GASP) "forsaking the assembly of the believers." (Or not going to church anymore.)


Part 2 COMING SOON. (How's that for a cliffhanger!)

Give my regards to Blogway!

2 weeks ago I got to go to NY to reprise a role I performed 6 years ago. In fact it was the very last role I played before my husband and I and our children moved to CO to church plant. It was an amazing week and it was so nice to get away. I am so blessed with my 3 kiddos and all their sweet friends that spend time with us, but I was in desperate need of some quiet. I felt like I had such a weight on my shoulders and was having a very hard time seeing clearly. God met me, challenged me, encouraged me, and blessed me greatly on the trip. I came back renewed in my passion to be a good mom and wife, and in the quiet got a lot of confirmation about things I have been praying over.
I love the quote "sometimes the godliest thing you can do is take a day off!"

Don't feed the blog at the table...

A few days ago Josh and I got a flyer in the mail for The Lighthouse...it was kind of surreal seeing that name again a year after the church closed. I checked out the site and found a blog by the Pastor that really ministered to me to day so I want to share it.

Check it out here.

The main point of the blog is that sometimes we get hyper focused on the creation and not our Creator, or that we get so tunnel visioned that we start seeing way to small.

In the blog he talk about how when he tries to feed his dogs sometimes they don't see where he threw the food. Instead they just keep licking his fingers instead of letting the finger point them to the thing that is truly good!
Talk about conviction, that is ME lately. I have been hyper focused on the desires of my heart and not on my Savior. I am looking for some sort of instant gratification and instead keep coming up disappointed because I am looking in the wrong place. It seems like such an easy concept to grasp, but it is amazing how quickly I have warped a God given desire into an idol. Forgive me Lord!
Last January while sitting in a worship service God poured out vision into me. He showed me the next steps for the Creator's Stage and He has opened up doors to confirm those things. Yet 7 months later I have been stewing in frustration because instead of staying at the place where the vision came (a place of waiting on Him, a place of surrender, a place of fellowship with my Jesus) I started to worship the VISION or the calling and wanted that to satisfy me which it never will.
Anyway, I wanted to share all this in case anyone else needed that reminder today. I am so thankful for a merciful God!


'S

Just blogging me...

Some things I know for sure...

• That I can never put God in a box. He has shattered my absolutes time and time again!
• A messy life is a full life! I may have a messy house, but that's because my doors are always open. Kids running in and out, bbq's with friends, crafting projects for those I love, costumes lying on the floor for an outreach...it can get annoying, but it's so worth it. On top of that the more you love, the more friends you have, the more you open your heart the messier things get. People make messes, it's just a fact of life, but the messes are worthwhile because in the midst of the mess are huge blessings!!
• Hard work is worth it. The more I lay down my boundries and allow myself to be stretched the more I love life. Sure I have meltdowns when the nights are late and the to-do list gets loooong, but God is worth my energy and so are the people in my life! The end result always ends up being worth it. The Bible says the greatest of all is the servant of all. I am never more miserable than when I am only thinking of me!!!
• It is impossible to serve God without serving people. There was a time in my life where I was very concerned with the process, the plan, and the outcome and not so much with the PEOPLE. Duh. ;) God has slowly and gently changed my heart in this area and I am thankful to more fully understand His love for each and every one of his creation. It is very easy to be a great Christian in your bedroom, not so easy when you need to let go of some of your own desires, bite your tongue, compromise, trust, let others have what you wanted, and love.
• Repent and forgive daily! :)

blog of the impossible

Listening to this song today and believing God for big things. I praying for Joanne Heim for the Simple Wife blog and believing for her COMPLETE healing, I am lifting up Lara Logan who suffered a horrendous attack in Egypt and asking God to be her comfort, her healer, and her Saviour.

I read here a wonderful blog assembled by "Single Dad Laughing", he just asked people to share the impossibly miraculous things that have happened to them. As you read thru the list of healings, provision, and answered prayers you remember (or at least I did) that we serve the God of the impossible!

After some disappointment in the last few years I have been afraid to trust God with big things. Lately He has been stirring my heart to step out again, to trust again, to believe again. We have been praying for big things in our prayer small group, asking for miracles, and seeing them begin to happen. We have been seeing revival and open doors.

God has also been asking me to plan the future again. Not according to my resources, but planning according to what He is putting on my heart. You know it doesn't have to make sense.

Even as I hear peoples stories of disappointment. Families falling apart, pain, failure...a still small voice in my heart says, "Believe!!!" Let's believe God can do it together! He can save our family members that our lost, He can set us free from bondage, use us, provide for us, help us fight when the attacks are exhausting.

If you have been in a place of retreating from the battle. You have held up the white flag of surrender, but it's not pointed at God. You are waving it at the world and the enemy because you have felt to tired to fight and believe anymore. I am praying for you today. Let's get back in the race, let's get back in the battle. Let's believe the God of the impossible to restore, give us vision, and strength. Then, let's go!!!

But, let's not try to do it on our own. It is not our strength, but His power that will help us overcome. I am handing Him control. Every time I feel scared, every time I feel disappointed I keep visualizing a box that holds my issue inside. I hand that box back to God and say, "Only you can do it God. I trust you." I am going to believe HIM for big things and not try to do it myself.

blogging my head against a wall

Before I got married I lived in a little apartment on 46th street in Brooklyn. I lived above a family from the church I was attending, but it wasn't a great neighborhood. In this apartment I felt a little like Snow White, there were always tons of critters to keep me company. Giant brown water bugs, mice, once a squirrel even burrowed it's way in from outside. Right thru the ceiling. It just scratched and scratched and scratched until one day I walk in and a giant squirrel is staring at me, chewing on some insulation.

Well, one morning, really early, I heard banging coming from the stairway leading up to the roof. What could it be? My first thoughts, of course, were that surely it was a murderer or rapist. But the banging continued at a steady pace, so I started to believe it was a rabid beast...in the middle of Brooklyn. (Hey, your mind runs away with you when you live alone in Sunset Park.)

After about 10 minutes the steady banging finally stopped, about 10 minutes after that I finally got the courage to investigate. When I opened the door I found a heart breaking sight. A little bird had gotten trapped in the stairway that led up to the attic. Frantically trying to get out, it had banged it's little head against the door over and over again until it's tragic death. I felt terrible that I had been to afraid to open the door and rescue it.

Yesterday I was thinking about that little bird and a thought occurred to me. How often as Christians are we like that bird? We bang our head repeatedly against a door that is clearly closed and we end up a bloody, mangled mess, rather than waiting for the only one that can open it.

Revelation 3:7b

What he opens, no one can close;
and what he closes, no one can open

Unlike me, the Lord has no fear, no ulterior motives. The only reason he will not open a door is because is it NOT RIGHT. Maybe not the right timing, maybe it leads to destruction, maybe it will keep us from a better door, maybe it is someone else's door to walk through.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5&6.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

How many times am I guilty of taking my life back into my own hands. God purchased my life with the blood of His son and yet I feel like I can't trust Him with every part of my life. That blood should be a constant reminder for us that He cares and that as carefully as He made a way for us to draw near to Him, He will make a way for our dreams and desires. We can trust Him! We can lean on Him and rely on Him. When the door doesn't open it is for a reason. I need to learn to pray through the closed doors instead of frantically searching for a way out. I need to be able to fight my ADHD, Type A-ness, Control freak and just wait.

Isaiah 40:31

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

God help me. I want to soar like an eagle, not perish like the little bird so determined to open that door by itself.

Amazing Grace

I witnessed a beautiful thing today. Today at church was bitter sweet. So sweet because God's presence was there encouraging us for all He had in store for 2011, yet bitter because one of our dear sisters in the Lord was having to face the horrible reality that her father had passed away only a few days ago. To compound that pain she discovered him and only got to know him for a short 4 years before his passing.

This godly woman's heart is aching yet she help to lead us all in worship this morning which I know pleased God's heart so much and we could feel God's presence all around as she lifted Him up in spite of her pain. What an amazing testimony of His grace!

I heard a story once of a woman who had lost her child. She was overwhelmed with horrible grief and just trying to make it thru another day. When she couldn't stand the pain anymore she fell to her knees and begged God for the grace He had promised in His word. When she looked up she saw a tapestry on the wall that said, "My grace IS sufficient." Not that it will be but that it is. It is already done. He is working things out that we cannot see or understand and He is with us thru it all.

This morning I couldn't help but think that as we hold onto to our faith in Him, and truly trust that He works ALL things for good, He can truly make beauty from ashes. Our pain will always have a seed of hope.

That thought was confirmed when the church began to pray over this woman who had lost her father. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a little figure making their way to front of the sanctuary. It was an autistic girl from our congregation who does not like to touch anyone or to have anyone touch her. I was curious to see what would happen because never know, but she went straight over to the woman we were praying for and laid her hand on her arm. She stood there as we prayed over her to comfort her. This little girl has also experienced the loss of her father in a much different way. It was clear God had told her to go. When the prayer ended she headed back to her seat and told her mom she felt she had to do it.

It was the most beautiful thing to see. Our God speaks the language of the heart. We can hear Him thru pain, illness, loss, even autism. And though both these girl's have lost their earthly father's they will never lose their heavenly Father and His grace is sufficient.

It's a blog, it's plane, it's a lie from the ENEMY!

So I have been having a rough couple of weeks spiritually. Once the church closed I felt as though I was wandering around aimlessly. For so long EVERYTHING in my life revolved around church and for even longer than that I had felt church planting was my and my husband's calling. Although I knew it was so right for it to end (and it didn't even end badly it was just clear God was moving in another direction) I felt very empty inside. I started to see that my first love had diminished. It has been very difficult trying to get back to my first love. Truthfully I have been discouraged believing that I had made too many mistakes and that I needed to clean up some things in order to get back to the Lord.
Those feelings were confirmed when I read this verse:
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.”- Jeremiah 17:9-10
Instantly I began thinking self-destructive thoughts. Like "See Marleen God knows your heart and it must be pretty bad, you need to get your heart in the right place!"
In this midst of these thoughts the Lord brought back a memory to me. I was in my early 20's and a good friend had invited me to accompany her as she spoke at a women's retreat. She asked me to come as a prayer partener and a support to her. I was so excited and honored to be invited. Well the morning of our trip I could not find my ID anywhere. I was devastated. I thought for sure that the Lord had blocked the way because I was too wicked and didn't deserve to go. I believed that I would have brought down the trip because I wasn't spiritual enough. I called my friend who was waiting for me at the airport and tearfully told her I couldn't go. Thankfully she yelled into the phone, "Get over here and we will try to work it out!!!!" (This was pre 9-11) I asked my husband to put my birth certificate in my purse and got in a car service and got to the airport. I found out I could get onboard with just a birth certificate, but when I went to get it out of my purse it wasn't there! I called my husband frantically and he said he had accidentally taken it back out. Now certainly I wasn't going to go, but my friend was very patient and we decided to take a later flight. My husband rushed my birth certificate to the airport and finally we got to California. It ended up being an amazing trip in which God used my testimony to minister into the life of many women and we saw great transformations in that weekend.
Now that story is a benchmark in my heart. It reminds me not to condemn my self to quickly because God is rich in mercy.
As I prayed over that verse today asking God to reveal the wickedness in my heart He gave me another one...
1 John 1:9 (New International Version)
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
I am so thankful that I never have to get it all together in order for God to love me and use me. I am SO thankful that Jesus paved the way for me to be accepted fully by my heavenly Father. Today my prayer is "God forgive the wickedness in my heart!" He is the one who will purify me as I just confess. What a lie from our enemy when he tells us to get it together before we go to God!