Blogging Smoke...Marijuana that is.

So apparently the learning and stretching is never finished. Anytime I think God has taught me the skills I need it seems He likes to shake things up to show me how much more I need to learn and just how dependent I am on him.
Right now God has me homeschooling 4 children. 1 is a 3 year old, 1 is a "picture thinker", 1 is way smarter than me, and 1 is a...TEENAGER!
This sweet teenager is not my daughter, but she is a wonderful girl full of potential and talent. There is only one problem. I don't know if SHE believes that. Otherwise why oh why would she so desperately want things that are only going to hinder her, hurt her, and scar her. Why do some teenagers (and even adults) do what is mentioned in the Bible as a "dog returning to it's own vomit". Like a Hobbit wanting it's second breakfasts, but the meal is so unappetizing...try telling that to a dog. The thing is most the things dog eat aren't that appetizing to begin with so vomit seems like a viable snack. After all will their owners feed them again if they don't eat it or will they have to suffer with an empty stomach?
Could this be one of the things that makes sin so enticing to us? Maybe at times we really think that it's the best we can get and that with out it we will be kept wanting. God help us have faith in your promises and especially in the promise of heaven so that would not greedily lap up vomit instead of waiting for the wedding feast. It makes me sad to think how often young girls (and boys) give them self away and put themselves in dangerous situations because those things represent love, maturity, and control to them. I used to be that girl. I will regret it forever.
My prayer is that God will help me teach this teen about His love and promises. That her standards would get higher and higher and that she would have a fulfilling life without regret. Any ideas on how to do this?

Blog Business

Just wanted to make a little post to celebrate to day. It has officially been one month since I opened my etsy store. I have sold 17 items! I am also working with a couple brides on custom guest books. It has been a lot of fun and a lot of work. Here are some of my new listings.

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 4

Okay as for what I learned thru a dark time of rejection and false accusations...

Number 1 was TO LISTEN. (To God, my husband, and those trusted friends God has placed in my life.)

2. Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I was being (somewhat) careful with the things I was saying, but the things I were thinking were not healthy! I was dwelling on hurts, closed doors, rejections, fears and being consumed by them. I did see that somehow my thoughts and emotions were not adding up with my reality, but until I reread that verse I could not figure out why. Instead of focusing on who God says He is and all the many blessings in my life I just kept focusing on the few things that were going wrong.

3. Perfection doesn't change anything.
After the church closed I decided deep down inside that I would just be perfect so that nobody would ever dislike me again. You can imagine how well that went! Not only am I completely perfect at being imperfect, but no matter what you do you cannot please everyone all the time. Some people will dislike for serving too much, some people will dislike you for not serving where they think you should serve. Some people will even dislike you because your hair is the wrong color or you are the wrong race. I cannot control if people "like" me. Also it becomes a dangerous trap because you cannot please people and please God at the same time. I have to focus on obedience and let the chips fall!

4. Finally the verse that broke me out of my pity party and gave me a ton of perspective...

"Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."
Matthew 11:6

My Pastor spoke an amazing message on this and Matthew 11:6 just JUMPED out at me. Jesus spoke these words in an answer to John the Baptist who was in prison and going to be beheaded. John the Baptist asked if Jesus truly was the Messiah. Maybe he had his doubts because his situation looked so bad.
I realized that I was allowing my circumstances to cause me to stumble. Somehow I had bought into the lie that every problem in my life could be fixed if I was "good enough" for God to bless me. When all these trials came on the heels of a season when I had worked really hard to bless God and others I was confused and really started to buy into the condemnation that I would never be "good" enough and that maybe God had forgotten me or just wasn't all that fond of me.
This verse is a good reminder that when we face trials to rejoice. We are in good company. God's chosen in the Bible went through testings of thier faith time and time again.

So I coming through on the other side. Trusting my Jesus, asking him to help me trust people after some of the things that have happened. I am excited to see all I have learned when I truly get to the other side of this season. :)

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 3

Okay...sorry my ADD has gotten the best of me! Here is Part 3 as promised.

So as I said it has been a rough Summer. I really felt misunderstood, I felt rejected. I also have been dealing with a diagnosis of dyslexia in my 7 year old son. It is actually a huge relief for both of us to know what is happening because now we can tailor all lessons to his needs. But, it did take a few weeks for me to just digest it all and prep myself to teach him.

A few things have been made very clear to me as I have gone through all of this.

1. I need to just listen.

God has been speaking very clearly to me as everything started to unwind. First he used my husband who continually kept saying that God was calling me to slow down. I just reasoned that God was calling him to slow down and he needed to butt out. (Oops, did I just say that???) In reality he had a perspective that I didn't. He had been praying for me and felt something and I didn't listen.

I also have refused to really listen to what God has been saying to me. When I didn't slow down the doors started closing and instead of trusting I took it personally. Yet God knows what is going to happen. He said "No" to a few things, like a missions trip I had been wanting to go on because He knew that I was going to be asked to go back to NY twice this Summer. The NY trips were such a bright spot during this time because GOd used me in my giftings, used me to encourage some great friends, and used my great friends to ENCOURAGE me. These trips were refreshing, convicting and just what I needed.

He also knew that I was going to find about the dyslexia and homeschool a teenager and that it would be a lot more draining and I wouldn't be able to keep the same pace...I took it as rejection, but really it was PROTECTION!

Number 2 and 3 tomorrow!

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 2

Okay, so where was I? Ah yes, going on and on about how much this Summer well...sucked. What? It did! ;) But, I have been a Christian long enough to know that it is often the really difficult seasons of life that end up being the most cherished. Take childbirth for example. ( I know that's kind of cliche...) Definitely not something I would willingly revisit for anything OTHER than an adorable baby.
I remember vividly one afternoon in June. It was a day that came with great expectation. I wanted that baby out. In fact I had wanted that baby out for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I had dragged my husband all over Brooklyn every night because I had heard somewhere that walking could induce pregnancy. So we walked, and we walked, and we walked. Usually about 80 blocks every night. Walking 80 blocks in Brooklyn can get very interesting. One night I even made my husband go bowling at 11PM because I had heard that bowling worked for some other woman. Yes, it's safe to say that I had completely and totally lost my mind. An OF COURSE, the baby came 2 weeks LATE.
Okay, talk about a rabbit trail...so the day finally came. The Dr. decided to induce me an after 10 hours the time was finally drawing near. Yet, it wasn't quite what I expected. I knew it was gonna hurt, but I was prepare for the downright horrible, awkward feeling of well, (in an attempt not to get too graphic) THAT! At one point I begged the Doctor to let me take a break and go in the bathroom.
My husband followed me in and I looked at him pitifully and said "Honey, I can't do this."
He looked back at me with a look I had never seen on his face before and replied, "I KNOW! You can't!" (Poor fellow was pretty traumatized at that point.)
Anyway, all that to say childbirth is really difficult. Even my husband thought so and he didn't have to feel what I felt. Yet, my greatest treasures all came from that experience. Other things in my life that have been really hard (moving to NY at 19 alone, church planting, homeschooling, being a woman) always end up being the things that shape me into the person I truly want to be. It is very uncomfortable, but I wouldn't trade the pain now that I know what it PRODUCED.

Okay so this post totally went another direction so stay tuned for Part 3, where I will hopefully be able to stay on point and wrap it up! :)

So much BLOGGER than me!! PART 1

So I have had such an interesting Summer. It has been filled to the brim with pain, hurt, revelations, repentance, and blessings. It is one of those times where I am clearly walking in the valley and try as I might I CANNOT see what is on the other side of the mountains all around.
It all began in the Spring, usually a time of new beginnings and life, but for me God decided it was the perfect time to call me to death. He saw that I was carrying some very unhealthy things around deep inside. In fact one day I was praying and I saw a clear vision of a person who had been wounded. It was just a little scratch, or a cut that could be bound up with stitches...no, it was a deep, festering wound that ran up the entire side of someone's body.
I was shocked when I saw it because I thought "Lord, there is no way someone could live with a wound like that. Who is it? Who can I pray for?"
I heard that still, small voice whisper, "It's you."
God spent the Spring showing me some of the things I had been carrying around since childhood. One was a deep seated fear rejection, another was perfectionism. It was amazing the relief and power I felt at just being able to NAME some of the things that had plagued me. I started to get amazing revelations of God's love (something that had eluded me before because I always truly felt I had to EARN his love.) God also gave me the grace to truly forgive some of the people I felt hurt the most by and a huge burden was lifted.
Then Winter came...right in the middle of Summer. Now that I had identified my struggles it seemed that God was going to allow me to face them head on and learn to view them differently. First He dealt with "perceived rejection". You know when you feel like someone doesn't like you or want you. It was a little messy, but easier to deal with because I saw needed to adjust my thinking. My Pastor always says "believe people like you until they tell you otherwise." It was amazing how I bought into the enemies lies over very small things and could become convinced that someone didn't see my worth. I was thankful for the revelation..."Ahh, now I am ready to be used Lord. I have learned my lesson!!"
Not so fast, then I had to face REAL rejection. Ouch, this one was a lot harder! It came from all directions. Never in my life have I felt so hemmed in and misunderstood. I was surprised how I reacted. I shut down. I just wanted to hide away. Ms."Involved in everything" didn't even want to go to church. This exposed a lot of the perfectionism and how I need to be needed. Before I could even totally swallow that lesson, it went deeper.
It went past rejection, it went past the whispers of condemnation the enemy was haunting me with. Next came finding out I was slandered by someone I hold very dear. Then the phone call where I was falsely accused some horrible things. I can still hear the voice on the other end of the line calling me racist and actually using some of the things I have done solely to try to bless a family as evil.
All of sudden I understood the feeling of wanting to run, to never trust, to build up walls, of maybe even (GASP) "forsaking the assembly of the believers." (Or not going to church anymore.)


Part 2 COMING SOON. (How's that for a cliffhanger!)

Give my regards to Blogway!

2 weeks ago I got to go to NY to reprise a role I performed 6 years ago. In fact it was the very last role I played before my husband and I and our children moved to CO to church plant. It was an amazing week and it was so nice to get away. I am so blessed with my 3 kiddos and all their sweet friends that spend time with us, but I was in desperate need of some quiet. I felt like I had such a weight on my shoulders and was having a very hard time seeing clearly. God met me, challenged me, encouraged me, and blessed me greatly on the trip. I came back renewed in my passion to be a good mom and wife, and in the quiet got a lot of confirmation about things I have been praying over.
I love the quote "sometimes the godliest thing you can do is take a day off!"

Don't feed the blog at the table...

A few days ago Josh and I got a flyer in the mail for The Lighthouse...it was kind of surreal seeing that name again a year after the church closed. I checked out the site and found a blog by the Pastor that really ministered to me to day so I want to share it.

Check it out here.

The main point of the blog is that sometimes we get hyper focused on the creation and not our Creator, or that we get so tunnel visioned that we start seeing way to small.

In the blog he talk about how when he tries to feed his dogs sometimes they don't see where he threw the food. Instead they just keep licking his fingers instead of letting the finger point them to the thing that is truly good!
Talk about conviction, that is ME lately. I have been hyper focused on the desires of my heart and not on my Savior. I am looking for some sort of instant gratification and instead keep coming up disappointed because I am looking in the wrong place. It seems like such an easy concept to grasp, but it is amazing how quickly I have warped a God given desire into an idol. Forgive me Lord!
Last January while sitting in a worship service God poured out vision into me. He showed me the next steps for the Creator's Stage and He has opened up doors to confirm those things. Yet 7 months later I have been stewing in frustration because instead of staying at the place where the vision came (a place of waiting on Him, a place of surrender, a place of fellowship with my Jesus) I started to worship the VISION or the calling and wanted that to satisfy me which it never will.
Anyway, I wanted to share all this in case anyone else needed that reminder today. I am so thankful for a merciful God!


'S