So I have had such an interesting Summer. It has been filled to the brim with pain, hurt, revelations, repentance, and blessings. It is one of those times where I am clearly walking in the valley and try as I might I CANNOT see what is on the other side of the mountains all around.
It all began in the Spring, usually a time of new beginnings and life, but for me God decided it was the perfect time to call me to death. He saw that I was carrying some very unhealthy things around deep inside. In fact one day I was praying and I saw a clear vision of a person who had been wounded. It was just a little scratch, or a cut that could be bound up with stitches...no, it was a deep, festering wound that ran up the entire side of someone's body.
I was shocked when I saw it because I thought "Lord, there is no way someone could live with a wound like that. Who is it? Who can I pray for?"
I heard that still, small voice whisper, "It's you."
God spent the Spring showing me some of the things I had been carrying around since childhood. One was a deep seated fear rejection, another was perfectionism. It was amazing the relief and power I felt at just being able to NAME some of the things that had plagued me. I started to get amazing revelations of God's love (something that had eluded me before because I always truly felt I had to EARN his love.) God also gave me the grace to truly forgive some of the people I felt hurt the most by and a huge burden was lifted.
Then Winter came...right in the middle of Summer. Now that I had identified my struggles it seemed that God was going to allow me to face them head on and learn to view them differently. First He dealt with "perceived rejection". You know when you feel like someone doesn't like you or want you. It was a little messy, but easier to deal with because I saw needed to adjust my thinking. My Pastor always says "believe people like you until they tell you otherwise." It was amazing how I bought into the enemies lies over very small things and could become convinced that someone didn't see my worth. I was thankful for the revelation..."Ahh, now I am ready to be used Lord. I have learned my lesson!!"
Not so fast, then I had to face REAL rejection. Ouch, this one was a lot harder! It came from all directions. Never in my life have I felt so hemmed in and misunderstood. I was surprised how I reacted. I shut down. I just wanted to hide away. Ms."Involved in everything" didn't even want to go to church. This exposed a lot of the perfectionism and how I need to be needed. Before I could even totally swallow that lesson, it went deeper.
It went past rejection, it went past the whispers of condemnation the enemy was haunting me with. Next came finding out I was slandered by someone I hold very dear. Then the phone call where I was falsely accused some horrible things. I can still hear the voice on the other end of the line calling me racist and actually using some of the things I have done solely to try to bless a family as evil.
All of sudden I understood the feeling of wanting to run, to never trust, to build up walls, of maybe even (GASP) "forsaking the assembly of the believers." (Or not going to church anymore.)
Part 2 COMING SOON. (How's that for a cliffhanger!)