blogging my head against a wall

Before I got married I lived in a little apartment on 46th street in Brooklyn. I lived above a family from the church I was attending, but it wasn't a great neighborhood. In this apartment I felt a little like Snow White, there were always tons of critters to keep me company. Giant brown water bugs, mice, once a squirrel even burrowed it's way in from outside. Right thru the ceiling. It just scratched and scratched and scratched until one day I walk in and a giant squirrel is staring at me, chewing on some insulation.

Well, one morning, really early, I heard banging coming from the stairway leading up to the roof. What could it be? My first thoughts, of course, were that surely it was a murderer or rapist. But the banging continued at a steady pace, so I started to believe it was a rabid beast...in the middle of Brooklyn. (Hey, your mind runs away with you when you live alone in Sunset Park.)

After about 10 minutes the steady banging finally stopped, about 10 minutes after that I finally got the courage to investigate. When I opened the door I found a heart breaking sight. A little bird had gotten trapped in the stairway that led up to the attic. Frantically trying to get out, it had banged it's little head against the door over and over again until it's tragic death. I felt terrible that I had been to afraid to open the door and rescue it.

Yesterday I was thinking about that little bird and a thought occurred to me. How often as Christians are we like that bird? We bang our head repeatedly against a door that is clearly closed and we end up a bloody, mangled mess, rather than waiting for the only one that can open it.

Revelation 3:7b

What he opens, no one can close;
and what he closes, no one can open

Unlike me, the Lord has no fear, no ulterior motives. The only reason he will not open a door is because is it NOT RIGHT. Maybe not the right timing, maybe it leads to destruction, maybe it will keep us from a better door, maybe it is someone else's door to walk through.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5&6.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

How many times am I guilty of taking my life back into my own hands. God purchased my life with the blood of His son and yet I feel like I can't trust Him with every part of my life. That blood should be a constant reminder for us that He cares and that as carefully as He made a way for us to draw near to Him, He will make a way for our dreams and desires. We can trust Him! We can lean on Him and rely on Him. When the door doesn't open it is for a reason. I need to learn to pray through the closed doors instead of frantically searching for a way out. I need to be able to fight my ADHD, Type A-ness, Control freak and just wait.

Isaiah 40:31

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

God help me. I want to soar like an eagle, not perish like the little bird so determined to open that door by itself.