Okay, okay so I know it's not original or anything, but today I started a new diet. I am doing Tracy Anderson's 30 day method. I really need to lose weight and my husband has offered me some great motivational tools to do so. He told me that if I reach my pre-pregnancy weight he would take me on a cruise!
It is sad day when I have to admit to myself that Micah will be THREE in April and I am still carrying around a lot of extra weight. I can no longer call it baby weight!! It is just weight! With both my other kids I got the weight off right away, but I have been in such a different emotional and mental place since Micah was born. First off we were church planting so I was very busy and it could be very stressful. But, I think even more I was serving in so many different ways that for the first time in my life I wasn't finding my identity in my looks.
I struggled with an eating disorder for many years. In high school I was a bigger girl and my senior year I went a huge diet because I was hoping for the lead in the school musical. :) I lost a ton of weight and all of sudden I was getting everything I had ever dreamed of getting. I did get the lead in the play, but I also got a lot of praise and attention. I was asked out by guys I had daydreamed about for years. This time planted a seed in my mind that I needed to be skinny to be loved. It put me on an emotional roller coaster filled with not eating for days at a time, being afraid to eat in front of people, taking diet pills, destroying my food, and not even being able to run to the grocery store for my mom because I didn't want anyone to think I was going to eat that food! Sometimes I would get to a healthier place and eat normally, but as soon as I would gain weight I would go right back to my self destructive ways.
When I became I Christian God started the long process of setting me free! I did start to live healthier physically and mentally, but I was always haunted deep inside by the feeling that I was too fat and that it would cause me not to be lovable.
Fast forward to recent years. Micah was born and I couldn't find that drive within me do everything I had done in the past to lose the weight. It one way it truly was a blessing because it meant I was free from believing that I couldn't be lovable or usable unless I came in a certain package. I no longer felt I had to hide away at home until I got off the weight.
In recent days though I feel like maybe I have gone to far the other way. Being so grateful for God's grace that I am overindulging and not making healthy choices. I need to find a balance so that I can be a good role model for my family. HEALTHY. Skinny does not equal healthy I know that all too well. It is similar to the battle most Christians have to fight to find the right balance between legalism and greasy grace. I have so often found my self on the far side of the spectrum instead of nestled in His will. So here I go...I plan on updated my blog with the progress to keep me accountable! In fact I plan on updated my blog a whole lot more period!
1 comment:
I am humbled by your openness! I never knew you struggled with an eating disorder. I was always skinny, but I always felt like an outsider. If it wasn't my appearance, I figured it must be my personality that didn't fit in. I still feel that way too often.
For whatever it's worth, I am pretty sure Doc programmed Hello Dolly our senior year because he knew he had the perfect Dolly. The role was always yours, no matter what. After all, it was the only principal role he didn't double-cast. :-)
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