Okay, okay so I know it's not original or anything, but today I started a new diet. I am doing Tracy Anderson's 30 day method. I really need to lose weight and my husband has offered me some great motivational tools to do so. He told me that if I reach my pre-pregnancy weight he would take me on a cruise!
It is sad day when I have to admit to myself that Micah will be THREE in April and I am still carrying around a lot of extra weight. I can no longer call it baby weight!! It is just weight! With both my other kids I got the weight off right away, but I have been in such a different emotional and mental place since Micah was born. First off we were church planting so I was very busy and it could be very stressful. But, I think even more I was serving in so many different ways that for the first time in my life I wasn't finding my identity in my looks.
I struggled with an eating disorder for many years. In high school I was a bigger girl and my senior year I went a huge diet because I was hoping for the lead in the school musical. :) I lost a ton of weight and all of sudden I was getting everything I had ever dreamed of getting. I did get the lead in the play, but I also got a lot of praise and attention. I was asked out by guys I had daydreamed about for years. This time planted a seed in my mind that I needed to be skinny to be loved. It put me on an emotional roller coaster filled with not eating for days at a time, being afraid to eat in front of people, taking diet pills, destroying my food, and not even being able to run to the grocery store for my mom because I didn't want anyone to think I was going to eat that food! Sometimes I would get to a healthier place and eat normally, but as soon as I would gain weight I would go right back to my self destructive ways.
When I became I Christian God started the long process of setting me free! I did start to live healthier physically and mentally, but I was always haunted deep inside by the feeling that I was too fat and that it would cause me not to be lovable.
Fast forward to recent years. Micah was born and I couldn't find that drive within me do everything I had done in the past to lose the weight. It one way it truly was a blessing because it meant I was free from believing that I couldn't be lovable or usable unless I came in a certain package. I no longer felt I had to hide away at home until I got off the weight.
In recent days though I feel like maybe I have gone to far the other way. Being so grateful for God's grace that I am overindulging and not making healthy choices. I need to find a balance so that I can be a good role model for my family. HEALTHY. Skinny does not equal healthy I know that all too well. It is similar to the battle most Christians have to fight to find the right balance between legalism and greasy grace. I have so often found my self on the far side of the spectrum instead of nestled in His will. So here I go...I plan on updated my blog with the progress to keep me accountable! In fact I plan on updated my blog a whole lot more period!