Okay, so where was I? Ah yes, going on and on about how much this Summer well...sucked. What? It did! ;) But, I have been a Christian long enough to know that it is often the really difficult seasons of life that end up being the most cherished. Take childbirth for example. ( I know that's kind of cliche...) Definitely not something I would willingly revisit for anything OTHER than an adorable baby.
I remember vividly one afternoon in June. It was a day that came with great expectation. I wanted that baby out. In fact I had wanted that baby out for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I had dragged my husband all over Brooklyn every night because I had heard somewhere that walking could induce pregnancy. So we walked, and we walked, and we walked. Usually about 80 blocks every night. Walking 80 blocks in Brooklyn can get very interesting. One night I even made my husband go bowling at 11PM because I had heard that bowling worked for some other woman. Yes, it's safe to say that I had completely and totally lost my mind. An OF COURSE, the baby came 2 weeks LATE.
Okay, talk about a rabbit trail...so the day finally came. The Dr. decided to induce me an after 10 hours the time was finally drawing near. Yet, it wasn't quite what I expected. I knew it was gonna hurt, but I was prepare for the downright horrible, awkward feeling of well, (in an attempt not to get too graphic) THAT! At one point I begged the Doctor to let me take a break and go in the bathroom.
My husband followed me in and I looked at him pitifully and said "Honey, I can't do this."
He looked back at me with a look I had never seen on his face before and replied, "I KNOW! You can't!" (Poor fellow was pretty traumatized at that point.)
Anyway, all that to say childbirth is really difficult. Even my husband thought so and he didn't have to feel what I felt. Yet, my greatest treasures all came from that experience. Other things in my life that have been really hard (moving to NY at 19 alone, church planting, homeschooling, being a woman) always end up being the things that shape me into the person I truly want to be. It is very uncomfortable, but I wouldn't trade the pain now that I know what it PRODUCED.
Okay so this post totally went another direction so stay tuned for Part 3, where I will hopefully be able to stay on point and wrap it up! :)
Showing posts with label Pastor's Wives make mistakes too. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pastor's Wives make mistakes too. Show all posts
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Beer Bloggles
Have you ever heard of beer goggles? When someone drinks to much and all of a sudden they start seeing things that aren't there? They are attracted to someone they normally would walk right by. They are acting like a fool, but they feel like they are the funniest guy/girl on the planet. They are monopolizing the conversation with musings that make no sense, but they think they sound extremely intelligent?
Boy do I remember those days before I was a Christian. I had too many nights when some sort of goggles from some sort of chemical substance I shouldn't have ingested made me feel like the worst of decisions were a good idea.
Actually before I was saved it was kind of like I was wearing beer goggles all the time. I just couldn't see CLEARLY. I thought things that could hurt me and ruin my life were the things to strive for.
I still remember the day my boyfriend and I (who were living together and pretty miserable with all the fighting) visited a church. We had been wanting to go for awhile and finally one night we walked a half an hour through the streets of Brooklyn, NY in the freezing cold to this church we had heard of. We argued the whole way!
When we finally arrived we pushed open the double doors thankful to get out of the cold, but we got a whole lot more than we bargained for. That was the night I finally took my beer goggles off! That night I became a Christian. It was amazing! The next morning everything seemed brighter, even the dingy NY subways!
I have realized over the past few weeks that without even knowing it I had allowed a different sort of goggle to cloud my eyes. Religion goggles. And similar to beer goggles you don't even realize they are there until you take them off.
What are religion goggles? Well, for one things had stopped looking so bright. Nothing seemed hopeful in my life anymore. I realized I had become known for what I didn't believe in rather for what I did believe in. I was feeling a contant sense that I was never doing enough. In my own mind MY LIFE had become SO big and God had become rather small...or maybe not small but just SO far away!
Recently, God in his mercy helped me to see, the same way He patiently led me to a place where I could take off the things that blinded me the first time.
Again things seemed bright. I have a hope and a future. I am reminded what I was created for, but also I am finding comfort in the fact that I am a small piece of a giant puzzle that HE is orchestrating together. My own life and it's troubles aren't SO HUGE. I am not just a part of a small church plant I am a part of the body of Christ! I can celebrate the successes of all my brothers and sisters all over the world because we are working together to glorify His name.
So are you wearing any goggles?
Here are some signs-
Boy do I remember those days before I was a Christian. I had too many nights when some sort of goggles from some sort of chemical substance I shouldn't have ingested made me feel like the worst of decisions were a good idea.
Actually before I was saved it was kind of like I was wearing beer goggles all the time. I just couldn't see CLEARLY. I thought things that could hurt me and ruin my life were the things to strive for.
I still remember the day my boyfriend and I (who were living together and pretty miserable with all the fighting) visited a church. We had been wanting to go for awhile and finally one night we walked a half an hour through the streets of Brooklyn, NY in the freezing cold to this church we had heard of. We argued the whole way!
When we finally arrived we pushed open the double doors thankful to get out of the cold, but we got a whole lot more than we bargained for. That was the night I finally took my beer goggles off! That night I became a Christian. It was amazing! The next morning everything seemed brighter, even the dingy NY subways!
I have realized over the past few weeks that without even knowing it I had allowed a different sort of goggle to cloud my eyes. Religion goggles. And similar to beer goggles you don't even realize they are there until you take them off.
What are religion goggles? Well, for one things had stopped looking so bright. Nothing seemed hopeful in my life anymore. I realized I had become known for what I didn't believe in rather for what I did believe in. I was feeling a contant sense that I was never doing enough. In my own mind MY LIFE had become SO big and God had become rather small...or maybe not small but just SO far away!
Recently, God in his mercy helped me to see, the same way He patiently led me to a place where I could take off the things that blinded me the first time.
Again things seemed bright. I have a hope and a future. I am reminded what I was created for, but also I am finding comfort in the fact that I am a small piece of a giant puzzle that HE is orchestrating together. My own life and it's troubles aren't SO HUGE. I am not just a part of a small church plant I am a part of the body of Christ! I can celebrate the successes of all my brothers and sisters all over the world because we are working together to glorify His name.
So are you wearing any goggles?
Here are some signs-
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you are feeling a heavy weight on your shoulders or all you can think about is your troubles and hardships.
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you find it really hard to rejoice in the blessings of others or your feel jealous every time you see someone with a bigger church, better car, nicer house, more friends, more talent....etc.
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you feel trapped in your life and don't feel the freedom to just be who God made you to be.
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you know what you don't believe in, but you're having a really hard time finding what you do believe in.
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you think are your problems are stemming from another person or a circumstance like money, resources etc.
- You might be wearing Christian beer goggles if you think a person or money or a resource is the ANSWER to your problems.
I am sure the list could go on and on. If you want comment and let me know what your Christian beer goggles have been!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS! Itty-bitty blog
Today I am thankful that God cares about the small things. There so many big things in my life that are up the air. SO many, really big things. God has pretty much been silent on all of them. In my finite mind I think it is because He wants to grow my faith, to teach me trust, maybe to teach me to rejoice in my sufferings and not let my feelings dictate everything. Of course I am still in the middle of the lesson so it could be about something completely different!
This week sort of culminated in a crisis of my faith. I hadn't been in a service for awhile due to the blessing of teaching Sunday school, I got sick, and a few other natural things that were out of my control hit this week. The physical, emotional, and spiritual battles all came together in one week and I felt like I had a ginormous weight on my shoulders pushing me into despair.
To top it all off I lost my favorite necklace. I searched everywhere and could feel my temperature rising every time I looked a new place and came up empty handed. Everything became so overwhelming that I just had to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I drove around praying and listening to worship music feeling completely defeated. I prayed about everything that has been bothering me lately and still didn't feel much of an answer from the Lord, but when I started praying about my necklace the flood gates opened. It's not just any necklace. It is a necklace that my husband bought for me last time we were living by faith. He worked a secret extra job to afford it and the necklace is a constant reminder to me that I am loved not only by my husband, but by God because at a time when all our money should have gone for PRACTICAL THINGS they both worked together to let me know I was treasured and important.
I prayed with all my heart that God would help me find my necklace. I got an image of an obscure place in my bathroom and quickly dismissed it because I believed I would never have put it there. After calming down and running some errands I came home feeling a tiny bit refreshed, but still pretty fragile in the faith area.
This morning I remembered I still hadn't found my necklace and started to feel upset all over again, but I remembered the image I got while praying and decided to check there. Sure enough THE NECKLACE was there!
This has encouraged me so much. That the God of the universe cared enough to help me find my necklace. It has reminded me of my assurance that surely if he cares enough to help me find my necklace then HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME in the other big areas I am leaning on Him.
My future, my family, my walk with Him are all secure.
This week sort of culminated in a crisis of my faith. I hadn't been in a service for awhile due to the blessing of teaching Sunday school, I got sick, and a few other natural things that were out of my control hit this week. The physical, emotional, and spiritual battles all came together in one week and I felt like I had a ginormous weight on my shoulders pushing me into despair.
To top it all off I lost my favorite necklace. I searched everywhere and could feel my temperature rising every time I looked a new place and came up empty handed. Everything became so overwhelming that I just had to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I drove around praying and listening to worship music feeling completely defeated. I prayed about everything that has been bothering me lately and still didn't feel much of an answer from the Lord, but when I started praying about my necklace the flood gates opened. It's not just any necklace. It is a necklace that my husband bought for me last time we were living by faith. He worked a secret extra job to afford it and the necklace is a constant reminder to me that I am loved not only by my husband, but by God because at a time when all our money should have gone for PRACTICAL THINGS they both worked together to let me know I was treasured and important.
I prayed with all my heart that God would help me find my necklace. I got an image of an obscure place in my bathroom and quickly dismissed it because I believed I would never have put it there. After calming down and running some errands I came home feeling a tiny bit refreshed, but still pretty fragile in the faith area.
This morning I remembered I still hadn't found my necklace and started to feel upset all over again, but I remembered the image I got while praying and decided to check there. Sure enough THE NECKLACE was there!
This has encouraged me so much. That the God of the universe cared enough to help me find my necklace. It has reminded me of my assurance that surely if he cares enough to help me find my necklace then HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME in the other big areas I am leaning on Him.
My future, my family, my walk with Him are all secure.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm a blog mom...
Ummm...sometimes I am not a good Mom. :) I try to be, but...
Well, let me just tell the story. Josh recounted a little conversation he had with Jack.
Josh asked how Jack's day went and Jack said, "well, I was a bad boy and then Mom turned into Wolverine."
Well, let me just tell the story. Josh recounted a little conversation he had with Jack.
Josh asked how Jack's day went and Jack said, "well, I was a bad boy and then Mom turned into Wolverine."
Monday, April 27, 2009
"Let my people BLOG!"
Oh has it been one of those seasons. One of those times when I feel like everything is caving in around me and it is hard to find even a glimmer of hope. As I prayed for encouragement today I ran across these verses in the Bible.
Joshua 21:43-45
So the Lord gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the Lord handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.
NOT ONE OF ALL THE LORD’S GOOD PROMISES FAILED; EVERY ONE WAS FULFILLED.
Today it seems to me that there is no way that every one of God’s promises is going to be fulfilled in my life. That is what my feelings tell me, yet the word of God tells me something very different. My feelings tell me I have made too many mistakes, had too many doubts, that the circumstance looks hopeless, and that God is not going to come through. OH HOW MUCH I HAVE IN COMMON with the Israelites! The Israelites seemed to forget God’s faithfulness the moment after His amazing miracles. They constantly looked at the circumstances they could see instead of remembering how many times God had provided. They bickered, doubted, even turned to false gods. Yet GOD WAS FAITHFUL to them. They did not earn His faithfulness or provision, but that is the God we serve. Thank you Lord!
It is so comforting to know that God uses people. People who make grave mistakes. God called David the murdering adulterer “a man after God’s own heart.” Knowing Peter’s weaknesses Jesus still called him to be a founder of the church! God knew the Israelites would complain and turn their backs on Him, yet he still set them free from slavery and gave them the Promised Land.
I think my struggle is truly letting go what my “promised land” is supposed to look like. I feel like I know so well WHAT it is and HOW it is supposed to look and the BEST way to get there! When it doesn’t go the way expected I feel such despair and fear as though it is all over. Maybe my promised land as I saw it is never going to come to pass, but I find comfort in knowing He will be faithful to me.
Joshua 21:43-45
So the Lord gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the Lord handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.
NOT ONE OF ALL THE LORD’S GOOD PROMISES FAILED; EVERY ONE WAS FULFILLED.
Today it seems to me that there is no way that every one of God’s promises is going to be fulfilled in my life. That is what my feelings tell me, yet the word of God tells me something very different. My feelings tell me I have made too many mistakes, had too many doubts, that the circumstance looks hopeless, and that God is not going to come through. OH HOW MUCH I HAVE IN COMMON with the Israelites! The Israelites seemed to forget God’s faithfulness the moment after His amazing miracles. They constantly looked at the circumstances they could see instead of remembering how many times God had provided. They bickered, doubted, even turned to false gods. Yet GOD WAS FAITHFUL to them. They did not earn His faithfulness or provision, but that is the God we serve. Thank you Lord!
It is so comforting to know that God uses people. People who make grave mistakes. God called David the murdering adulterer “a man after God’s own heart.” Knowing Peter’s weaknesses Jesus still called him to be a founder of the church! God knew the Israelites would complain and turn their backs on Him, yet he still set them free from slavery and gave them the Promised Land.
I think my struggle is truly letting go what my “promised land” is supposed to look like. I feel like I know so well WHAT it is and HOW it is supposed to look and the BEST way to get there! When it doesn’t go the way expected I feel such despair and fear as though it is all over. Maybe my promised land as I saw it is never going to come to pass, but I find comfort in knowing He will be faithful to me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Jelly blogs...an Easter thought
John 12:23-24
23Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
Happy Easter! I hope and pray that God is speaking to everyone the way He is speaking to me this week! It is such a blessing to hear His voice!
This week God has truly shown me that it is a blessing to die to myself. I am rejoicing that He has picked this week for me to die to certain things because it the same week over 2,000 years ago that God proved He was willing to make that sacrifice for me. Jesus died that I might be whole. But, he didn't stop there He rose from the grave to show me that dying to self isn't the end. It is the beginning!!! I believe He brought everything to a boiling point in my life this week so as I walked thru dying I would easily remember He walked thru it too. It has been a reminder to me that after death comes the RESSURECTION. What is the resurrection? It is LIFE!
God has been asking my husband and me to obey him in a very hard area for a long time. I have fought and even tried to excuse my lack of obedience by slathering it things that sound righteous. I found verses to back up why I was disobeying. I used every term that sounded righteous. But, really I fighting God's will and trying in my feeble human way to control the outcome of my life. I had it planned in my head. I knew what it was supposed to look like!!
Finally (without much help from me sadly) God brought His will to fruition. The hard decision was made. It hurt. It was hard. It required dying to self. But then, strangely enough, peace came flooding in. Even through my tears there was peace. That peace that surpasses ALL understanding. And not only had that, but something within me broken. I was able to see so clearly where I had been going wrong in certain areas of my life. I could see how desperately I was trying to control things. How fear motivated so many of my decisions. Time and time again God has tried to show me that no matter how I try to control something I can't change the outcome! All I do is carry a burden that is not mine to carry. I cannot make people truly happy. I cannot make people want the Lord! That is between them and God. All I can do is what He calls me to do and let Him have his way. His way in me AND in others.
I realize that any type of rebellion equals chains. Even when the rebellion is clothed in righteous phrases! But when we finally surrender the things we hold onto so tightly, whether it is our dreams, desires, relationships, "me time", whatever it may be, the chains fall and then we really experience that HIS yoke is easy and His burden is light!
We have been singing a song that says "Trading all that I have, for all that is better." He truly is better. Just His peace alone is worth a thousand dreams!
Though it can painful to trust other people and myself into His arms, I know what He has for us all is better than what we can offer ourselves.
23Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
Happy Easter! I hope and pray that God is speaking to everyone the way He is speaking to me this week! It is such a blessing to hear His voice!
This week God has truly shown me that it is a blessing to die to myself. I am rejoicing that He has picked this week for me to die to certain things because it the same week over 2,000 years ago that God proved He was willing to make that sacrifice for me. Jesus died that I might be whole. But, he didn't stop there He rose from the grave to show me that dying to self isn't the end. It is the beginning!!! I believe He brought everything to a boiling point in my life this week so as I walked thru dying I would easily remember He walked thru it too. It has been a reminder to me that after death comes the RESSURECTION. What is the resurrection? It is LIFE!
God has been asking my husband and me to obey him in a very hard area for a long time. I have fought and even tried to excuse my lack of obedience by slathering it things that sound righteous. I found verses to back up why I was disobeying. I used every term that sounded righteous. But, really I fighting God's will and trying in my feeble human way to control the outcome of my life. I had it planned in my head. I knew what it was supposed to look like!!
Finally (without much help from me sadly) God brought His will to fruition. The hard decision was made. It hurt. It was hard. It required dying to self. But then, strangely enough, peace came flooding in. Even through my tears there was peace. That peace that surpasses ALL understanding. And not only had that, but something within me broken. I was able to see so clearly where I had been going wrong in certain areas of my life. I could see how desperately I was trying to control things. How fear motivated so many of my decisions. Time and time again God has tried to show me that no matter how I try to control something I can't change the outcome! All I do is carry a burden that is not mine to carry. I cannot make people truly happy. I cannot make people want the Lord! That is between them and God. All I can do is what He calls me to do and let Him have his way. His way in me AND in others.
I realize that any type of rebellion equals chains. Even when the rebellion is clothed in righteous phrases! But when we finally surrender the things we hold onto so tightly, whether it is our dreams, desires, relationships, "me time", whatever it may be, the chains fall and then we really experience that HIS yoke is easy and His burden is light!
We have been singing a song that says "Trading all that I have, for all that is better." He truly is better. Just His peace alone is worth a thousand dreams!
Though it can painful to trust other people and myself into His arms, I know what He has for us all is better than what we can offer ourselves.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
It's gonna be a blog year!
Happy 2009!
This year feels different to me. I am not holding myself to as high of a standard as I have in the past. Usually I have a long list of resolutions. Things I am gonna change, things I am gonna conquer, things I am gonna do. The sad thing is my list is usually the same year after year. This year I am gonna give myself permission to fail and hopefully that will free my heart of expectations of those around me.
If there is anything I have learned is I can't do it. Marleen does not have what it takes to "positive think" my way into being a better person. What I have also learned is sometimes what I envision for myself is not what is best for me. I have wasted time on so many resolutions that were not God's will. They sure sounded pretty. I could even make them sound noble and put a "godly" spin on them. Sadly, in reality, too many time they were about me, not about Him!
So this year my resolution is simple. Draw close to Him. Listen and obey in the moment. Let Him have His way.
All my striving has never sped up a season God wanted me to go through. Wanting to change has never made me change. The only time I have truly seen change has been when I have surrendered to His process. His process usually takes time. I have seen the greatest change when I finally stop the excuses and the pity parties and just say YES to what he is asking of me IN THE MOMENT. Not saying yes to everything that sounds noble, but just being obedient in the moment. Surrendering my own will for His. I have found that He truly does know what is best for me.
So there it is, enough wasted moments. Enough condemnation because my own expectations of myself are too high. This year I will rest in Him and trust that He who led me to himself will also lead me to victory.
Verses of the year:
1 Samuel 15: 21-23
Proverbs 3
This year feels different to me. I am not holding myself to as high of a standard as I have in the past. Usually I have a long list of resolutions. Things I am gonna change, things I am gonna conquer, things I am gonna do. The sad thing is my list is usually the same year after year. This year I am gonna give myself permission to fail and hopefully that will free my heart of expectations of those around me.
If there is anything I have learned is I can't do it. Marleen does not have what it takes to "positive think" my way into being a better person. What I have also learned is sometimes what I envision for myself is not what is best for me. I have wasted time on so many resolutions that were not God's will. They sure sounded pretty. I could even make them sound noble and put a "godly" spin on them. Sadly, in reality, too many time they were about me, not about Him!
So this year my resolution is simple. Draw close to Him. Listen and obey in the moment. Let Him have His way.
All my striving has never sped up a season God wanted me to go through. Wanting to change has never made me change. The only time I have truly seen change has been when I have surrendered to His process. His process usually takes time. I have seen the greatest change when I finally stop the excuses and the pity parties and just say YES to what he is asking of me IN THE MOMENT. Not saying yes to everything that sounds noble, but just being obedient in the moment. Surrendering my own will for His. I have found that He truly does know what is best for me.
So there it is, enough wasted moments. Enough condemnation because my own expectations of myself are too high. This year I will rest in Him and trust that He who led me to himself will also lead me to victory.
Verses of the year:
1 Samuel 15: 21-23
Proverbs 3
Monday, December 8, 2008
Keep yo blog mouth shut!
Oh what a day...
3 kids with stomach virus, one being a very fussy baby. (Poor guy.)
And then I did something stupid...again. Probably not the last time. Unfortunately.
I'll start at the beginning. I woke up yesterday morning and rolled over thinking my day was going to go a certain way. I was gonna do the usual Sunday morning routine. Sundays are always a mad dash of activities...feed baby, get ready, get 3 kids ready, get everything together for church and get out the door by 9 am, make sure Josh has his sermon, have a small "stress out moment", load the car, and GO!
Well, this Sunday was going to be different. I opened my eyes to see my husband already dressed for church he began to speak and everything started to move in slow motion.
"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack thhhreeeeeeeeeew uuuuuuuuuuuuup."
Oh not again...and not TODAY, was all I could think. I was already running on very little sleep for the weekend and we just got over a bout of the stomach flu. For some reason stomach flus seem to go thru our house twice every year. To top it off my husband was going out of town, so all I could think about was the horror movie my life would be if all the kids and I got it and I was ALONE.
So instead of going to church and leading worship, seeing everyone I love, and working with the kids on there Christmas number I started a different mad dash. Getting everything covered, so I could stay home with Jack.
I will fast forward past the gory details, but all the gore involved bodily fluids. All over the floor. Over and over and over again. All over clothes. Over and over again. All over a blanket. Twice.
So I started feeling a little down. No church, no husband, no break in sight.
Jack started feeling a little better. I could tell because he was begging for pizza! SO weird. We settled on toast because he was refusing jello. I put the toast in the toaster oven and went to go take care of Micah who was obviously not feeling well either.
Taking care of little Micah was too much of a distraction because all of sudden I hear Jack call
"Mom, I think my toast is ready, it is on fire!"
I run into the kitchen and sure enough the toaster oven is filled with flames. Thankfully I was able to put it out by dousing it in water and filling my house with smoke. * Note to self smoke detector is not working. Now, surprisingly almost burning the house down was NOT the stupidest thing I did yesterday!!
Anyway, around this time I started feeling sorry for myself. I started listening to all the little lies being planted in my tired, emotional brain. It quickly veered from being just this day that was bad to everything IS ALWAYS bad. That is the funny thing about feelings they can be very deceptive. You give into a pity party and all kinds of crazy thoughts (LIES) start knocking on the door! Lies love hanging out at pity party. So I had a full blown party going on. The lies were having a blast...singing all their usual songs. The popular "Nobody likes you", the one hit wonder "You are alone", "Nobody appreciates you" and "You should quit" also got a lot of play time. The lies started doing the cha cha slide which quickly became a mosh pit. So what did I do? Did I stand up and fight and kick the lies out? Nope. Did I stand on the many promises of God that tell me I am not alone and I am loved. Nope. I wish I could say I went into my prayer closet and prayed away my hurts and frustrations, but sadly no. Instead I decided to open my big mouth and tell someone how I was feeling. About them. Was this about them? Nope. Was it something God was trying to teach me and help me thru. Yep.
The interesting thing about serving God. He tells you to NEVER vindicate yourself. He promises he will always vindicate you and that we can trust Him to work out EVERYTHING for our good. I know this, yet I still revert back to fighting on my own behalf.
"So, how did fighting on your own behalf work out for you Marleen."
Just like it always does. I feel hurt. I tell the person what they did to hurt me. The words leave my mouth to be out in the universe for all eternity. I can't turn back! I feel hopeful that it may change the situation. It doesn't. I regret saying anything. Then I regret it some more. Then I wake up in the morning thinking, "What was I thinking!!" I hate Pity Party hangovers...
I have found even when what I am feeling is very real. It never pays to confront someone unless God truly leads you to do it. Another thing about God. He is usually NOT leading you to do it at the very end of long day, or when you are feeling reeeaaallly emotional, or if you haven't prayed about it. So basically all the times you would really want to do it!!
So, I am being real and writing this to hopefully save you from my mistake. At the end of a long day, when you begin to dwell on some injustice that was done to you. When you begin to carefully craft the words you can say to let someone know exactly how your feeling. STOP. Sleep on it. Things always look better in the morning.
Just keep your big blog shut.
3 kids with stomach virus, one being a very fussy baby. (Poor guy.)
And then I did something stupid...again. Probably not the last time. Unfortunately.
I'll start at the beginning. I woke up yesterday morning and rolled over thinking my day was going to go a certain way. I was gonna do the usual Sunday morning routine. Sundays are always a mad dash of activities...feed baby, get ready, get 3 kids ready, get everything together for church and get out the door by 9 am, make sure Josh has his sermon, have a small "stress out moment", load the car, and GO!
Well, this Sunday was going to be different. I opened my eyes to see my husband already dressed for church he began to speak and everything started to move in slow motion.
"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack thhhreeeeeeeeeew uuuuuuuuuuuuup."
Oh not again...and not TODAY, was all I could think. I was already running on very little sleep for the weekend and we just got over a bout of the stomach flu. For some reason stomach flus seem to go thru our house twice every year. To top it off my husband was going out of town, so all I could think about was the horror movie my life would be if all the kids and I got it and I was ALONE.
So instead of going to church and leading worship, seeing everyone I love, and working with the kids on there Christmas number I started a different mad dash. Getting everything covered, so I could stay home with Jack.
I will fast forward past the gory details, but all the gore involved bodily fluids. All over the floor. Over and over and over again. All over clothes. Over and over again. All over a blanket. Twice.
So I started feeling a little down. No church, no husband, no break in sight.
Jack started feeling a little better. I could tell because he was begging for pizza! SO weird. We settled on toast because he was refusing jello. I put the toast in the toaster oven and went to go take care of Micah who was obviously not feeling well either.
Taking care of little Micah was too much of a distraction because all of sudden I hear Jack call
"Mom, I think my toast is ready, it is on fire!"
I run into the kitchen and sure enough the toaster oven is filled with flames. Thankfully I was able to put it out by dousing it in water and filling my house with smoke. * Note to self smoke detector is not working. Now, surprisingly almost burning the house down was NOT the stupidest thing I did yesterday!!
Anyway, around this time I started feeling sorry for myself. I started listening to all the little lies being planted in my tired, emotional brain. It quickly veered from being just this day that was bad to everything IS ALWAYS bad. That is the funny thing about feelings they can be very deceptive. You give into a pity party and all kinds of crazy thoughts (LIES) start knocking on the door! Lies love hanging out at pity party. So I had a full blown party going on. The lies were having a blast...singing all their usual songs. The popular "Nobody likes you", the one hit wonder "You are alone", "Nobody appreciates you" and "You should quit" also got a lot of play time. The lies started doing the cha cha slide which quickly became a mosh pit. So what did I do? Did I stand up and fight and kick the lies out? Nope. Did I stand on the many promises of God that tell me I am not alone and I am loved. Nope. I wish I could say I went into my prayer closet and prayed away my hurts and frustrations, but sadly no. Instead I decided to open my big mouth and tell someone how I was feeling. About them. Was this about them? Nope. Was it something God was trying to teach me and help me thru. Yep.
The interesting thing about serving God. He tells you to NEVER vindicate yourself. He promises he will always vindicate you and that we can trust Him to work out EVERYTHING for our good. I know this, yet I still revert back to fighting on my own behalf.
"So, how did fighting on your own behalf work out for you Marleen."
Just like it always does. I feel hurt. I tell the person what they did to hurt me. The words leave my mouth to be out in the universe for all eternity. I can't turn back! I feel hopeful that it may change the situation. It doesn't. I regret saying anything. Then I regret it some more. Then I wake up in the morning thinking, "What was I thinking!!" I hate Pity Party hangovers...
I have found even when what I am feeling is very real. It never pays to confront someone unless God truly leads you to do it. Another thing about God. He is usually NOT leading you to do it at the very end of long day, or when you are feeling reeeaaallly emotional, or if you haven't prayed about it. So basically all the times you would really want to do it!!
So, I am being real and writing this to hopefully save you from my mistake. At the end of a long day, when you begin to dwell on some injustice that was done to you. When you begin to carefully craft the words you can say to let someone know exactly how your feeling. STOP. Sleep on it. Things always look better in the morning.
Just keep your big blog shut.
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